It feels like life would be easier if I could just walk away..

One night in exchange for two more bad nights? Why does it have to be like that? Aren't there people who can have multiple good days and just be happy? period? It's taking everything in me to not root through my drawers for the extra bottle of meds I kept. God only knows what I would do without M. She may not be the most emotional person but she knows what to say to me, how to take my mind off it and how to hug me without making me cry but feel cared about. She truly is the big sister I was meant to have and I firmly believe she was placed in my life for a reason. if I believed in other lives, etc she would be the constant in all of them. Truly my soul sister. Thinking about her support is honestly the one thing keeping the tears at bay.
Can someone really not be meant to be happy?

It's now been a year with you. When things are great, they are amazing. When things are bad, I want to die. I find myself realizing the extremeness i bring to relationships is clearly me. But I dont know what  to do. When we fight, I want to throw myself out of the moving car. When we scream, I want to drown myself. How can that be normal? A big part of me loves you. A small part thinks I may deserve better and all of me is scared to be alone. I love the whole package though and I dont know if I can go through losing that again. Reading has recently made me love you more and instead of comparing, I have been appreciating which is honestly the opposite effect I though it would have. Tonight, though, has me questioning. I dont know if it's the constant reading or if it is the fact that you think it's okay to ignore me if we don't see each other that day and then get pissed that you don't have a day to yourself. I may not have a ton of relationships to compare, for lack of a better word, to but I dont see my parents wanting to take days "off" from each other. Not even your parents. How could it possibly work if you want days "off". Wanting time for yourself is one thing but I dont know how many guys would call it a day off.. It's honestly a punch to my gut, not that you care. Would you even fight if something were to happen. I have myself really questioning and I'm not going to lie, I'm getting nervous that you wouldn't bat an eye.. Rather, you would be able to sleep in everyday, smoke whatever the hell you want,  play video games till your eyes bleed and watch what you choose.. oh wait, you already do that. Ive been keeping all of this in and it's pouring out in this post. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Again, I love the deal. Everyone in it but I don't feel that I'm treated the way that I should be. I dont expect much and maybe I should expect more but you don't even try. You may have tried for the first month and then came me paying, me buying you everything, you choosing every movie, every show, getting mad i'm not reading what you want me to in the time that you want me to do it. I'm exhausted. Again. I dont dare go back and read the other posts on here and remind myself of the hell I put myself through for 4 years and Im seeing youre not too different. I may just go off the deep end if I subject myself to the reminiscing.
Tired and Fed up.